It seems to me that least in a part of you argument, you seem to be confusing the deficiencies of particular implementations or server-run code with the idea itself. Stored procedures are bad because your RDBMS has a crappy compiler? Hmm...
(One might argue, of course, that SQL in itself turned out to be a lousy interface protocol for relational data processing, and that it caused a lot of pain to begin with. But that's a different topic.)
I'm actually arguing that my RDBMS is no place for a compiler. I want to compile everything externally, test it and then deploy it. Not deploy it, compile it, cross fingers.
(One might argue, of course, that SQL in itself turned out to be a lousy interface protocol for relational data processing, and that it caused a lot of pain to begin with. But that's a different topic.)